With three kids it seems there is always somebody needing something at any one time. ALWAYS.
But today it suddenly dawned on me how important it is to meet every child’s needs. Please note, I do not say every child’s EVERY need, but we do need to make sure we meet their important and essential needs, so that they do not feel neglected or pushed aside.
When Evan (#2) was born, Caleb (#1) was only 2 years old. He had to grow up fast. He was made to go up stairs on his own by 2 (instead of being carried up stairs). He learnt to feed himself and articulate his needs and wants early. He was very independent. As they grew, I think sometimes I took for granted that Caleb is the older one and is more sensible, and sometimes I forget that he is still a kid. Being the firstborn, expectations were higher for him. Even though we are not the typical kiasu Singaporean parents, I think somehow he still feels the need to be perfect, born out of a desire to please us. No matter how we affirm him, there still remains that pressure, although I think it’s quite minimal.
Every child shows and receives love differently. The 5 Love Languages is a way you can look at these differences, in a general sense. Caleb is one who does well when he receives words of affirmation, and in turn, he likes to write notes and messages for us to show he cares. Evan loves PRESENTS! Everytime Daddy comes home from a trip, he eagerly stretches out his hands and waits for his present. In turn, he likes to give presents to us (even though it may be an old toy of his).
Yesterday we were at a friend’s house watching something on TV and Caleb came over to lean on me on the couch. As I held him, I realized how little we’ve been doing this, since Evan was born, which means in the last 5 years! And I felt a tinge of sadness. Because I know how much Caleb actually loves to be held and touched. Evan has ‘stolen’ a lot of my cuddles the last 5 years because he was the little one. He was my Cuddly Wuddly. And now, with a 5-month-old baby in the family, guess who’s the new Cuddly Wuddly on the block?
As we were in church service today, I thought about this again – how I must not forget to give Caleb the cuddles he needs. And although I am tough on him (I think I’ve loosened up a lot since I’ve been making a conscious effort not to treat him over his age!), I also give him a lot of affirmation. I try to at least. My husband reminds me of my own 5-to-1 rule sometimes – with every negative remark, we should make 5 positive ones. But more than that, it dawned on me how we need to meet every kid’s needs.
I also thought about how nice it is when the baby is sleeping, when I’m not tending to her needs, that I can have time to play a game with the boys or do something with them. And I resolved to make time for every child, to meet their needs, at least their emotional needs. With the physical needs (or wants, because they are always hungry or needing a shower), someone else can help, but only us parents can provide them the love and security they need. I resolved to listen (really listen, not just appear to be listening) when they come home from school and tell me about what happened in school. I resolved to hold each of them more. And I resolved to not neglect the older ones even though the younger ones need more attention. Maybe it’s a case of the one who cries the loudest gets the most attention, and of course the baby’s gonna get all the attention she needs! And I’m a softie when it comes to babies, so it’s easy to lose myself in cuddling and caring for the baby.
Somewhere in between my day job as a secondary school teacher reaching out to teens and my soft spot for babies, I need to be there for my kids who are in between. I need to learn to mother primary school children and pre-primary school children. I need my kids to know that I love them all the same. Because I do. But my actions need to show that.
Blessings,
From a mom-in-training
Privileged Kids Blog 